Subject: Welcome, Camels!

Dear Connecticut College Students,

We would like to offer you a warm camel welcome to campus this fall! The senior administrative team has instituted several exciting changes (without any student input) that are sure to surprise you.

We meant “warm welcome” literally. With the 763 incoming first-year students, 85 transfer students from the Coast Guard Academy, the lack of functioning air conditioning on campus, and global warming, campus temperatures will be at an all-time high. Student Health Services recommends that each student bring at least four industrial fans for their dorm room.

Finances

The Board of Trustees met for their Summer convening and their first order of business was increasing the comprehensive fee by 25% to $98,750. Connecticut College is proud to defy boundaries by boasting the highest cost of attendance in the NESCAC and in the country. The introduction of several new work study opportunities led the trustees to eliminate all merit-based scholarships as well. Cleaning the Larrabee and Johnson House bathrooms on weekends, removing mold from the Plex, helping with the Cro Boulevard construction project, patrolling the Jane Addams panini line, and repairing the Cummings elevator are among the rewarding jobs students may assume. The Hale Center for Career Development encourages students to take advantage of these unique opportunities and agrees to waive one of the 14 ACE requirements for any students who do.

Facilities

Due to unexpected over-enrollment this fall, students will notice many changes on campus. Most notably, Tempel Green has been converted into a five-story parking garage to accommodate the influx of students and the removal of all other parking lots on campus. Please note that cars will be towed the night before each open house hosted by the Office of Admissions (warning will not be provided). 

In an effort to increase accessibility, students who cannot access their classes on campus can now take the accessible SEAT bus off campus to take classes at Mitchell College (credits may or may not transfer). This is an exciting opportunity to get more involved in the New London community.

Staff

We are happy to announce new additions to our administrative team and faculty. After a nationwide search, our new permanent Dean of Institutional Equity and Inclusion is Nubbins, the tailless squirrel. Nubbins has been a beloved member of the Conn College community for many years, inspiring students to celebrate their differences. After defending her dissertation, titled “Rodent Discrimination: An Uphill Climb,” we were pleased to offer Nubbins the position and anticipate significant improvements in the DIEI realm. 

Joining the faculty is Professor Paul P. Flushing, a renowned bathroom hygiene expert. Flushing’s extensive research in the sociology of college bathrooms made him the perfect candidate for this role. Flushing will teach courses such as “Introduction to Communal Showers,” “ConnCourse: Anthropology of Restroom Etiquette,” and “Intermediate Toilet Flushing.” 

Student Life

Students who wish to change their campus living situations may now use Camel Cash to bid on select unused spaces. Starting at $300 is a Harris Atrium cubicle, perfect for studying and listening to live piano music. Cummings music practice rooms start at $800 each; they may not be soundproof, but the Steinway pianos make wonderful beds. The Larrabee tunnel may be converted into a spacious 6-student room for $1,000 each (this is a new specialty housing option for art students). Students may bid on one of the Blaustein third floor study rooms starting at $1,300. These highly-sought, comfortable spaces fit all student needs. With easy access to the humanities professors at all times, students living in Blaustein are sure to excel.

We look forward to another semester full of faith, friendship, and love (in other words, financial non-transparency, failed promises, and lack of student input).

Yours,

Humphrey the Camel

College Mascot

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