This article was originally published in 2019 as part of The College Moan, a previous iteration of satire at Conn. You can check out this and other Moan articles here!

New London, CT — Conn’s cherished late night snack shop, Oasis, has announced a new plan to ensure student satisfaction: the installation of a breathalyzer.

“We really just wanted to make sure students were getting the full Oasis experience and, after a lot of polling and reflecting, we knew that the breathalyzer would do the trick,” said one manager of the shop. “It’s a unique step forward in ensuring student satisfaction. With this powerful tool, we can be 100 percent sure students are drunk,” he added.

The new program requires students to be breathalyzed before entering Oasis. If a student’s blood alcohol concentration comes in at below 0.08%, they will be denied service and receive a stern talking to about maximizing their late night dining experience.

“It’s not like we’re telling kids that you have to drink, but like, c’mon. It’s a Friday night – if you’re looking for sober food, like, get sushi or something? Don’t come here,” said an anonymous staff member.

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