Following the catastrophic failure and subsequent recall of the Model B K.A.T.H.Y. unit (Kathy B for short), engineers at Humphrey Technologies are excited to announce the new and improved Model C. 

“We hope to deliver Conn students the same president they know and love while also remedying some of its more awkward and unpleasant features,” says project lead Veronica Arcelus. “The critical failure on the Model B came from a glitch in its racial sensitivity module, so that’s what we tried to tackle first. We implemented a fail-safe on the Model C making it so that any time she commits a microaggression, $100 is transferred directly from her bank account to the DIEI budget.”

Along with these major fixes, students will be excited to hear that some minor bugs have been patched as well. As you likely know, Kathy B was the first model to implement music functionality. This move, however, proved to work much better in theory than in practice, as the Model B had a major bug in its music system, causing it to turn on full blast at random, awkward, and sometimes even inappropriate times (often to the tune of the Alma Mater, as its playlist sorts alphabetically by default). At first, engineers working on the Model C wanted to get rid of its music capabilities altogether. Unfortunately, due to the fact that they are employed by Connecticut College, they are contractually obligated to only partially fix things, forcing them to settle on taking away Kathy C’s Ph.D. 

While the future looks bright for Kathy C from a technological standpoint, some major aesthetic improvements have been made as well. “I’ll admit we missed the mark when it came to the hair on the Model B,” says Arcelus, who also oversaw the previous model’s creation. “While we did succeed in designing it to give the impression that she wants to talk to the manager, we didn’t pay enough attention to detail and the end result just looked like it was mildly uncomfortable to be on her head.” While some students see this as a poetic reflection of how they feel in her presence, the design team has been hard at work refining the previous model’s shortcomings. “In retrospect, it probably wasn’t the best idea to make the majority of it out of a skunk carcass,” says Will Heart, former designer at Humphrey Technologies.

Heart also worked on Model A of the K.A.T.H.Y. unit, but was reluctant to comment when asked about it. “I don’t know how much I can say without getting in trouble,” said Heart, intermittently checking over his shoulder, “but you know Tempel Green? There was a period of time when we called it Tempel Red.” Heart refused to elaborate further.

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